Yesterday on Asyura, the Tenth night of Muharram, as I gazed in awe at the spectacle and wonder of your nature, alone I drifted through the night. This night my breath moves in my body, whirling me to the winds. I can feel the swell of beauty, the rippling tides you sought in me, and through the gift of your greatness, you breathe life to my soul. Through you I have spoken to who I am. The weight of this life however, is fast becoming a test of my endurance. I can feel my urge to sink, the pull of my soul calling. My heart is heavy with it, gaping. Between now, tomorrow, and the pain ahead, I know that it is just your heart that beats within my chest. Not mine.

My vigils I have continued into the night, long after all have surrendered. . I am no rock, no stone, no blade. My will to live I have torn, and rivers of tears I have shed into the soft valleys of my battered body, but I am no fallen man. You have taught me this. You are teaching this now, even as I pursue the urge to die.

My head is constantly bowed in prayers. But how can I accept this burden of your trial and tribulation without breaching my faith by senseless betrayal. You spoke of redemption. There is a part of me, that doubts. Is there no end to this suffering? I have not the strength to bear the burden of your test. My own burden weighs heavy on my soul. It sinks me to my knees. I pray to your name, yet the heart of my body speaks only of despairing hopelessness.

In the earliest hours of many a night, I sat at your feet in total submission believing that none have showed greater devotion than I. But where are you? Were you ever there for me? Never could I have denied you my deepest surrender, my body, my blood, my most yielding, secret self. Could it be that I am a sin? For my very nature, shall I seek absolution? I know that I have sins; but in my heart of hearts, I hunger for your blessed hand upon my head and the grace of your breath upon my soul. I cannot deny that my love for you is beyond any, and my heart follows you to my death and beyond,

I am lost. You must forgive me if the pain of your test betrays my faith, you must forgive me for betraying my own heart. I longed to share with those that agonise the sacred knowledge that was revealed through my pain. Alas, when you speak through my eyes, they see none of your secret but my pain.

Yes, I am one of your children, the worshipper of your religion, your humble servant, a seeker and speaker of your truth and my own, but I am first just a man. One that is so mortal, one with hunger when hungry, one with thirst when thirsty, one with anger when angry; and surely you cannot let this man suffer in silent when his will to live is badly bruised.

Was my wanting you a sin? If you are here with me now, as you have always promised your servant you would, even in those moments when I am weary, weak and small, I speak this message into your ear, my head bowed in complete obedience against the hard deck of the floor, my prayer to you…reveal to me the immensity of your love, the limitlessness of your acceptance, fill me with your spirit, bless me with courage, give me pain or give me death, just walk me to a home close to you, and conclude the final chapter of my life with a journey to be remembered.