As the story unfolds, "Where there's a WILL, there's a WON'T" will attempt to open the window of my past and my role in shaping it. I have lived a passionate life, perhaps an impetuous one in my early years, but always I have focused on my past, the present, and its future. I don't quite care if I am chastised for being too forthright and candid. We are who we are and one of the quality that reflects a person, it's honesty. Here, I do not shy away from sensitive issues, but when I choose to, it is circumscribe only by certain dictates of personal privacy.

In primary school, I had no trouble doing well. Probably because my fellow students were poor and they were not very bright and advantaged. I had no trouble staying ahead of the class, so I did not try at all. And I don't remember having to burn a midnight oil to stay among the top ten in class. There was no haste to grow up. My world revolved in a gentle spin. I wasn't at all sure that I could analyze life and society in a comprehensive way. I did not believe in life's science at all. Of course I am aware of GOD and HIS existence; but at seven, I was more than ready to worship anyone that can pull a rabbit out of a hat, or make an elephant disappears, or escapes a death defying stunt, or anything at all as long as it is magic. Talking about magic, I detested those whose interest in it was to expose the trick in the magic. At the heart of the question was, what makes a good magic? When I was a kid, I made many friends with a trick or two. To date, I lost one friend and few relatives that ain't mine by making them disappear. A score that I am in no hurry to rectify... So Help Me GOD.

Once in a long while in the history of people there come a moment of great change. Secondary education brought a whole new set of experiences and challenges, as I learned more about my mind, my body, my spirit, and my little world. I liked most what I learned about myself but not all of it. And some of what came into my head scared the living hell out of me, including a conspiracy to poison a family member, the first stirrings of sexual feelings toward girls, and doubts about my religious faiths.

I was supposed to be "Born Free" - remeber; but I surrendered my liberty to education as early as 1969. My parents traded me to a system governed by the Education Ministry; but controlled by "Slave Masters." In the current world, most called themselves "Teachers." Imagine six years in primary school and then followed by another four years in a higher institution, and then when you have a tertiary to pursue after that, it looked as if it was going to be a lifetime project. It was indeed like a life sentence. I believed that so long as we had equal opportunities, each must be given a free play of his own life. So I gave my parents that opportunity by making them pay for my education; but they didn’t give me my own free play as I had wished for. You see, like all good parents, mine believed in good education. But my question was: Why pay for mine when they should get their own?

I didn't really have any girlfriend when I was in school. There were girls I thought were cute, but then anything that came in school uniform looked like an android to me. The good ones were those that were nice to look at; but it was always the bad ones that were nice to play with. I was too embarrassed as a kid - I don’t know why - it was just crazy. I adored one girl though. This one is no ordinary android to me; she was 'one nice little thing with two big ones.' I always felt secured when she put an arm around my shoulder or patted my head. I knew then that she had a thing for me; but almost always she also wanted to know if I have a brother. Kak Malia was three years my senior. Our age difference might have made her a bridge too far for me, but my hormones were ever so ready to cross her anytime.

My first real date was with an android named Annie. She was half a Chinese with a Eurasian blend. I was in my final year when we met at a rifle range behind the school canteen. We exchanged phone numbers and called each other very often. I talked to her for hours: from home, from KL, from anywhere under the sun for as long as there were ten cents coins in my pocket. On our first date we watched "GREASE" at Orchard cinema, where it is now known as Orchard Cineleisure. She held my hand for the first time that afternoon in the midst of the movie. I was seated by the aisle when all of a sudden I felt this soft hand reached over and grabbed mine. This probably wouldn't mean a lot to other people, but it was serious stuff to me. She touched me. That was how I felt about it. In the past, girls had always touched me in a certain manner, like putting an arm around my shoulder, like patting my head...basically like what Kak Malia would do. But this was different, this was one-on-one, and that was always the best. Unlike Kak Malia, Annie didn't concern herself with whether or not I have a brother. So I didn't care much if she has any. For few months, Annie and I were to share our secrets. There was a dark place below the stage in the assembly hall where our secrets were best kept. This dark place where our secrets were kept also provided us with our very own playground, a haven, a retreat, from the rest of the world.

The question of secrets is one I've thought about a lot over the years. I had real secrets of my own, rooted in my spiritual convictions. We all have them and I think we're entitled to them. They make our lives more interesting, and when we decide to share them with whom that we trust, our relationship become more meaningful. Of course, I didn't begin to understand all this back when I became a secret keeper. I didn't even give it much thought then. I was always reluctant to discuss with anyone the most difficult parts of my personal life, including a major hormonal crisis I had at the age of fifteen, when my faith was too weak to resist a certain temptation of sex. Still, secrets can be an awful burden to bear, especially if some sense of shame or regret is attached to them. Or the allure of our secrets can be too strong, strong enough to make us feel we can't live without them, that we wouldn't even be who we are without them.